What To Do When You Don’t Like Who Your Kid Is Dating

We’ve written advice regarding courtship and, of course, the delicious gossip of who’s dating who, but we’ve received a multitude of emails from parents distraught over who their kid is dating. We figured that it was high time to address this issue.

So your son or daughter has brought home the new person in their life and you are less then thrilled with their choice. If there’s one thing that can make a guy or gal irresistibly attractive to your son or daughter, it is the fact that you think he/she is horrible. On the other hand, if you are thrilled with your son or daughter’s choice of partner, then it is probably wise not to be too enthusiastic.

We acknowledge that there is no greater human relationship or bond that the one you share with your kid. With this knowledge in your head whether you’re thrilled or horrified by your kid’s choice, do not be so quick to pass judgment in either direction or to react negatively or positively. Two prime examples for not passing judgment too soon are our friends Denise and Beth.

Several years ago, Denise’s daughter brought home a boy whom Denise instantly disapproved of. Her reason for disapproval was the “not good enough for my kid syndrome,” based upon this boy’s choice not to pursue a college degree. This instant judgment caused horrendous fights between Denise and her daughter and further, put her daughter in a place to defend her own choice. Essentially, Denise pushed her daughter directly toward the boyfriend. Four years later, that boy who opted to forgo college, is a successful young man, has always treated Denise’s daughter respectfully, and the two are planning their wedding.

Flipping the script is Beth. Beth’s son brought home the perfect “girl next door,” so she thought. Instantly Beth embraced the relationship without taking the time to get to know this girl. Beth’s instant decision about her son’s new girlfriend was based upon the girlfriend’s “fresh-faced” appearance, articulate speech, and prestigious family. Her son’s “perfect girlfriend” turned out to be the girlfriend from hell. She would drunk-dial Beth’s son and start arguments or beg him to “borrow” Beth’s car in the middle of the night. This nonsense played out for eight months. When the girlfriend pinched money and a credit card from Beth, her son finally dumped the girl.

Denise’s rapid-fire judgment could have permanently alienated her from both her daughter and future son-in-law. Beth admits that her action of immediately embracing her son’s new girlfriend, without taking the time to get to know her, caused her and her son a lot of grief.

The best option in dealing with a new person in your child’s life is to not make hasty opinions about them. A quick judgment for or against the new girlfriend or boyfriend can have consequences far worse than what we’ve shared. Take the time to get to know your child’s new girlfriend or boyfriend. If you begin to see unhealthy patterns in their relationship, have a calm, non-judgmental talk with your child making sure to leave the door open so that he or she is comfortable talking with you about future issues or coming to you for support. Remember that your child isn’t going to seek your advice or help if you’re perceived as the enemy.